14 Mar But today, isn’t that day….
I’m going to be completely honest and say that I am starting this blog with absolutely no idea of where it’s going to go
Or how it’s going to end.
It took me half the day to even get the nerve to open my laptop and start that sentence.
I had all intentions of sitting down yesterday and writing, but I just ignored it.
Hoping that if I didn’t think about it,
I wouldn’t have to feel it.
That I wouldn’t have to sit here,
Trying to make sense how 3 years ago, today,
My life undoubtedly changed,
Of course, I wanted to, I wanted to write.
I wanted to feel inspired and driven.
I wanted to type words that made me sound like I had it all together.
I wanted to talk about how strong and steady I am.
That tears aren’t rolling down my face right now.
And that my heart was fine.
I wanted to come up with something witty and inspirational that would explain how these last 3 years were hard…
but that I was doing just fine.
I didn’t want to write how I got anxiety last night,
From just simply thinking of how I would feel today.
How waking up this morning, the first thing I would picture was you’re bright eyes and perfect smile.
How I have these vivid and dreamlike flashbacks of Houston,
Of an apartment,
A hospice room.
The thought of picking out clothes that you would wear for the last time.
I didn’t want to admit that I think this year has been the hardest for me.
And I can’t help but think about how unfair life is.
And selfishly I want to say because I have to live without you.
But your life wasn’t fair either.
It was taken from you without your consent.
We all did.
But the plan was bigger than us.
Your 26 years on Earth was far more elaborate than I could’ve ever imagined.
And most days I dream about what you would do in your next 26 years.
And that right there is why this year, specifically is hard for me.
Just like you.
And I can’t stop imagining what it would be like if this was it for me, like it was for you.
If I only had 26 years.
Because I know… I absolutely know,
That I haven’t lived enough.
I haven’t seen enough
I haven’t loved enough.
That I haven’t been enough.
26 years isn’t long enough.
Not for someone like you.
This weird concept of me turning 27 this year and being older than you haunts me.
That I should never be older than my older sister.
That you never got to see 27.
But I do.
I don’t want to admit that I can’t wrap my mind around the thought of it.
How you were married, established, and ready to take on the world.
And the way people watched and listened, when you walked into a room.
It’s hard for me to comprehend how inseparable we were.
And now I can’t see you.
That not only were you my sister, but you were my best friend.
And as lucky as I was to have you as both.
I also lost both.
And today, I didn’t want to admit it’s been 3 years.
3 years of thinking of you.
3 years of missing you.
3 years of doing everything in my power to make you the proudest little sister I ever could.
Because after this year.
You’ll be the youngest.
And I get to guide you,
through this crazy life.
And to tell you the truth,
I’ve felt you with me more than ever recently.
In the car when I’m driving.
In the gym when I’m lifting.
In the air when I’m hiking.
In the little pieces of life that I’m living.
And most days I’m at peace with the present
And I have way more good days
And to tell you the truth,
most days I radiate strength…
But today isn’t that day.
Today, on this day, I’m sad.
So, I know this blog was all over the place,
That my words weren’t uplifting and graceful.
But that’s how I feel today.
and most of all I’m
“He placed me in a little cage away from gardens fair; but I must sing the sweetest songs because he placed me there. Not beat my wings against the cage if it’s my makers will, but raise my voice to heaven’s gate and sing the louder still.”
If I could choose anything,
It would be for you to come back.
See you when I see you sweet girl,
You are my best friend, forever.
Be a good human today,
Party on little girl